Things must be getting bad if the pigeons are mobilising.

I don't know what this chair did, and I'd rather not find out.

Big fan of nailing hippies to crosses to get a four day weekend. Big fan.

At least he got to eat his Easter egg

There now follows my annual Robert Smith from The Cure eyeliner joke. Thank you for your kind indulgence.

Robert Smith is 66 years old today. That's a lot of years at the kohl face.

As the BBC see fit to pay Bruce Parry to travel to exotic locations and get utterly spannered. Maybe they'd like to meet me on the 2nd floor of the local Tesco car park later - where I'll be necking Spesh and Frosty Jack with the indigenous tribesfolk - and throw me a few quid?

Who are The IMF to tell people that their economic outlook isn't great? Bunch of hypocrites burnt a million quid back in the 90s for a fancy art film.

At least those who made the pilgrimage to Rome for Holy Week will be getting their money's worth.

If that's the casket, then the buffet's going to be shit.

I visited a monastery yesterday and watched as God incinerated a small child.

Whoever told me that Toploader had been killed by mortar fire at Arnhem was obviously lying. #VEDay80

'You can't put that up in our town!' Unsightly erections etc...

The Velvet London Underground

I can't believe it's been 10 years (yesterday) etc...

It's petit, actually

I don't understand the need to advertise Christmas when it's already quite popular. #christmasadverts

Yer dad walks round the garden in his Oodie and pretends he's one of The Traitors #traitors

Didn't think it through Vol 355672

Horses.. The only animal with a natural Mohawk and no access to gel.