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Lovely evening with my clever friend Prof Seirian Sumner for the launch of her new book, Endless Forms. (Sometimes she dresses up as a wasp, but not tonight.)

This is the most spectacular relationship problem I have ever read, shut down all the advice columns now.

THREAD. This is Clive. Clive grows fruit, vegetables, and flowers for local markets. This is Clive’s farm. Clive has lived here his whole life.

🧵 1/ Someone posted today about #COVID19 being a cold and we should all just catch it and take paracetamol. So I thought I would tell you all about my experience with the new Ba.5 variant.Suffice to say I did not have a cold. I should start off by saying I do not have #LongCovid

I think Boris Johnson should LITERALLY stay on as a caretaker.

EXCLUSIVE: Boris Johnson lobbied for a public role for a young woman who says he abused his power to have a sexual relationship with her The PM was confronted at the height of the #MeToo movement in 2017, when she told him she was still “shaken and upset” thetimes.co.uk/article/boris-…

I was looking for the Paddington statue at the station on Weds, and didn't find it! Agree this is a rubbish place. After all, the station's named after him, right?

Simon Calder being absolutely, perfectly clear about the causes of the delays at Dover. Not to assign blame, but to counter the pitiful excuses from the government and the pro-Brexit gang with some plainly spoken facts. Imagine that: FACTS!

Watched Baz Luhrmann's Elvis with OH and a surprising number of others, given that it was 30 degrees outside. Liked it a lot, particularly Austin Butler as the King and Tom Hanks as a kind of Bad Mr Gruber from Paddington.

11yo, reading notice at reception desk: 'Ring the bell for attention. There's no bell.' Me: 'There's a bell right in front of you.' 11yo: 'Where? There's just a weird metal ornament of a lady in a big skirt.'

Just finished a detective story by a person called Dorothy L Sayers and - sorry for the spoiler, I won't tell you the title - THE CORPSE DID IT. IT WAS SUICIDE. Has the author never read a detective story? Pff.

Was behind the door when 11yo's friend rang the bell. Opened it but stayed behind door as was in nightie. 11yo took ages tying shoelaces while I was stuck behind the door. Eventually (don't know why) 11yo's friend looked behind the door and there I was, like a lurking hobgoblin.

11yo was nearly an hour late home & not replying to text messages, so called her friend's mum. Friend confirmed she'd got off the bus at the stop near our house an hour ago - so where was she? She was downstairs reading a book about an assassin. Just hadn't bothered to say hello.

Had stressful dream in which Lorraine Kelly invited me to her dinner party. It was so big we queued to get in. Had to share a place setting with someone, but fortunately he was asleep. Had forgotten to say I was veggie, and it was Wolf on the menu, for both starter & main course.

At Specsavers getting varifocals, which is a depressing milestone. Makes me feel a bit old and odd, which clearly I am not. Optom: Can you pass me your card again? Me: *passes her my cardigan*

Driving with the 12yo 12yo: There's a dead pig by the side of the road Me: Really? Are you sure? 12yo: Well, it could be unconscious Drive round large roundabout to go back and help poor dead/ unconscious pig (not quite sure how), which turns out to be a sandbag.

Very happy that BBC Radio 4 have dramatised Mary Stewart's 1955 glamorous romantic thriller Madam, Will You Talk? (episode 2 tomorrow). Always felt it should have been a film with Grace Kelly & Cary Grant. Love Mary Stewart, who (fun fact) taught my dad A-level English in the 40s

Trying to improve the 12yo's woeful general knowledge with a quiz Me: What's the name of the leader of the opposition? 12yo: Keir Obama Me: Er no. But his surname does rhyme with Obama 12yo: Keir O'Llama?

Listening to Naturebang on R4 about animals that laugh. Reminded of the time I bought a coffee & doughnut at the beach. My mouth was literally open preparing to take a bite when a seagull speared the doughnut in its beak, kicked over the coffee, & flew off - I swear - laughing.

Talking to a man called Ray, I just accidentally called him 'Lynne'. Awkward. Made things worse by apologising, thus drawing attention to mad mistake. Finished off by calling him Roy.