American Airlines: Why would we even consider hiring you? You have no experience as a pilot. Me: Oh, I think I could...wing it AA: Wow! *slow clapping starts*

Everything else aside, I think we can all agree that "The Panama Papers" is a great band name

Does anyone have any recommendations for essential classic films that I should pretend to have seen?

Movie Idea Homophone II: The Night Knight

"The only thing an old man can tell a young man is that it goes fast."

I like to go to the park, watch the birds and jot down the one's I've eaten

"Hey Ma, wanna try this?!" I shout back at no one as I grab two free Costco samples

Step 1: Come up with company name Step 2: Print it on a t-shirt Step 3: Wear blazer over t-shirt Step 4: Entrepreneur!

Pro Tip: Once you've paid your admission to the zoo, you are allowed to yell, "Wake up!" at any animal you want. Sleep on your own time small pony!

This most unfathomable divergence in my everyday argot can be traced back a hebdomad when I voyaged to the book depository and procured a word-a-day calendar.

"Eat shit and die!" is a mean thing to yell at a person but a cool thing to say to a fly

BLOOD! SWEAT! TEARS! PANIC ATTACK! HOSPITAL!

When your partner asks if you still find them attractive, you should immediately respond, "Yes." Do not take ANY time to think about it even if it's just a few days.

I do love my son but I dont like him. Well I guess I dont actually love him and come to think of it hes not even my son at all! The therapist is in awe of the progress Ive made. I walk out. One day Ill come back apologize to her patient for barging in but not today. No not today

Mom: why do you never call us? Me: because none of my friends ever call their parents. Mom: If all of your friends jumped off a bridge, would you? Me: YES, MOM! THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON I JOINED A CULT!

AGAIN! I BOUGHT ANOTHER SLICE, NOW, DO IT AGAIN! For the 7th time, they belt out happy birthday. I sit back and let the song wash over me. By tomorrow, I'll no longer be allowed back to this Olive Garden.

Every time I hear about how much people are making off bitcoin I think to myself goddamn I wish I owned a computer

Who's your favorite Backstreet Boy? Mine's Abe

I miss being 18, back when I was super fit, incredibly popular and a huge liar

Trying to decide between joining a Kickball League or joining an ironic Kickball league