Dear Lonely Hearts. Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed, aged pensioner, living in a damp squat in the arse-end of nowhere, seeks attractive publican’s daughter with big tits: No time-wasters

Trying to drink eight glasses of water a day in winter is challenging. Sometimes I have to cheat with soup and cocoa. Roll on summer

Had a call from a London mate who had a ‘crowd -control’ biz in the 60’s. Put me on the door at the Black Prince Bexley Heath one New Year’s Eve where Kenny Ball and the Jazmen were playing. I ended up with a broken nose and a night in a police cell. Happy days

The missus in secretary mode, about twenty-years ago. Still looking alright. I’m a lucky man

Stepped off the boat as a penniless Pom 57 years ago today. Started work on the Monday, paid my taxes and done ok. So much to be grateful for

Had a whiskey fuelled night back in my early days at a remote mining camp in the northwest playing poker. Won some cash and left for Perth straight after and bought a house. Never played cards since

Been rambling on a bit lately, as old men often do, about earlier times. Must straighten up and get back to my usual blatherskite. Perhaps some Albo, or protest marches

Been reading a lot lately - how people should go back from where they came from. That’s ok … I’m going back to bed then

Nothing like the smell of fresh laundered sheets and the glow of your phone as you post random thoughts in the dark, then the one sleeping next to you gives you a poke in the ribs

Since I took up the driving instructor job I can’t stop buying rosary beads, developed an uncontrollable twitch and s-s-started to s-s-stutter

They say there’s a book in everyone. I’ve tried to write one a number of times. It always ends up as a very short story #writersblock

If I told you I bumped into Xi Ping, Kim Jong Un and a funny little bloke from Russia in a Beijing cafe and had a cuppa tea, you’d never believe me, which is a pity as they still owe me for the jam scones

According to the Water Corporation, Perth dam levels are down 5% from last year, even though we’ve had the wettest winter in over 30 years. I don’t believe it

What a wonderful job our prime minister has done, successfully turning the country into a third world cesspit. Next week he’s legislating to remove indoor plumbing

Not to be sniffed at: stopped to smell the roses, ended up with a bumblebee in my nostril. On the bright side, it did cure my constipation

Anyone know when Albo’s wedding is? Trump’s got his tux sorted, and if I don’t get an invite, I might just crash it with a democracy sausage and a six-pack

How wrong can you be, when you stagger home at 3am and think an early breakfast will cure your hangover?

“Good morning, this is your daily nuisance call. How are you today? Can I interest you in a deluxe North Korean timeshare package with barbed wire views, or a premium collapsing roof renovation?” “Not today, thank you”

“New iPhone: slimmer, shinier, can zoom into your neighbour’s existential crisis. Still no button for dry cleaning, coffee making or finding my bloody glasses”

Every morning at breakfast, I share my egg on toast with Winston. Not once, in ten-years, has he ever said thank you. The ungrateful little sod