To attend mass gatherings in the near future, we should be legally obliged to shit on arrival. Safest course of action in my view

What did you think of Gary Busey's mechanical dog idea?

ROBOT WARS!!! #16again

Why haven't you seen Naomi Petersen do her fringe show yet? What's wrong with you? Sort it out. 3.30pm: Pleasance #iamtellingyou #doughballs

Yes, it's true: Nicola Sturgeon is a #GlasgowGirl !

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot Standing Ovariation #ineedhelp

@Tyler_Payne_ Standing Ovariation where've you WHEELY bin

@lornamcmillan96 just wait till you're 28. It only gets worse...

No matter how well I play piano, Emma Stone never turns up

I've made the informed decision to spend the next 4 years rewriting scenes from The West Wing, with Trump in place of Bartlett.

I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet Britain's hardest sailors

Very excited to be @LiveAtZedel on sunday!! Joining Stuart Matthew Price and I will be the wonderful Gavin Whitworth on the baby grand!!!

My coke has given up on life

Somebody OUGHTA GO BACK AND READ THE FIRST WORD OF MY TWEETS FOR THE LAST WEEK.

Jersey cafe that's quaintly unaware what it's own name refers to. No cream, thanks...

Like a Leicester fan who couldn't believe they won the league. x.com/nigel_farage/s…

I was born in a new way. I’m sorry I cannot. I’m not really a fan but it’s a bit too late for it. Yeah I’m sure you could have fun. x.com/therealbradg/s…

We've hampered ourselves x.com/mrjamesob/stat…