The older you get you start to realize how desperate your grandparents are to get even a moment of your attention, so much so that I’m starting to doubt if that lady from the commercials REALLY can’t get up

This esports stuff is strange they have E athletes and have like pre n post game interviews as if it matters like hey that was really tough when I was on that breakaway and drinking my Allen’s juice at the same time

I love those houses with the sign on the backyard saying “Beware of Dog” then the gates just wide open, is this a game you people play !?

These heritage sites like ancestry.ca are not for Italians nobody wants to find out their not Italian more than Italians

There’s a lost dog sign in my area sayin he might attack, and now I can’t go outside ever again

Weed is becoming the Facebook of drugs oh your parents use it too, oh well I’m over it

Italians never say what they mean, “ok I should get going” really means let’s go stand at the door and talk for another couple hours

The news told us about the other 7 passengers that died in the Kobe story the way Hasbro tells you that batteries are sold separately

I’m following this Chef Gordon Ramsey recipe word for word so I can enjoy an extravagant lunch, and I understand the tablespoon of olive oil an the pinch of turmeric but….. do I absolutely need to call my neighbour a cunt ? Will this effect the taste ?

I’ve always been a big believer in science and credible research, but ever since the power balance bracelet failed to turn me into an Olympic athlete my faith has been shaky

If a gummy bear were to hang them-self you think they would use a string from a pack of twizzlers Pull N Peel, sounds like the most delicious suicide ever

Watching that new movie with all the sand and the spaceships, All I can say is 20 minutes in and I already want it to be Dune

The best part of head and shoulders is how clean it leaves my shoulders

8 people died at the Travis Scott concert last night, turns out Security was the highest in the room

If I were a leaf I’d jump off in August, why wait

What newspaper delivery person witnessed a drive by shooting and thought this would be an effective business model

You think if it was possible, your Fridge would come open and close your bedroom door every 20 minutes in hopes of finding something better Inside

What is constructive criticism? like you insult me while putting up a wall unit

You know you’ve lost your taste for life when you gain it for dark chocolate

I got shit faced last night and I wasn’t even drunk, just had a really bad experience in a porta potty