I bought a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words as well.

My Wife asked me this morning if I had seen the Dog Bowl? I said “No, I didn't know that she could.”

Someone told me to try Horse Manure on my Rhubarb. I have to say I still prefer Custard.

Just phoned the NHS helpline to ask about Swine flu. The line was rubbish, all i got was crackling.

Annoyingly, I've just failed my Driving theory refresher test. One of the questions asked “What is a sign you may see on a country road?" Apparently, 'Pick Your Own Strawberries' isn't an acceptable answer

Good afternoon everyone Looking to regain loads of my old followers and new followers to my brand new account. Please feel free to support and repost, all new followers will be followed back. All reposts will be supported with further shoutouts. ❤️🤍

A Bloke said to his Dentist “My teeth are turning yellow.” “Do you smoke, or drink coffee?” She asked He said “I drink it.”

A Blonde crashed a Helicopter. A Policeman asked her what happened. She says “It got cold so I turned off the fan.”

Lest we forget xx

My Wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to take a run up but I made it.

My wife said "Come upstairs with me and I'll put on that Black Lace number.” I said "No thanks I can’t stand Agadoo”

It's a five minute walk from my house to the Pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the Pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

🚨GIVEAWAY ALERT 🚨 Win, lose or draw on Sunday vs Southampton a lucky follower WILL win these items from my shop. To be in the draw all you have to do is follow me, Like and Repost this tweet to enter. I’ll announce the winner on Sunday Evening Good luck everyone #SOUARS

The worst pub I've ever been in was called ‘The Fiddle.’ It was a vile inn.

It's my Wife’s Birthday next week and she's been leaving Jewellery catalogs all over our house. So I’ve got her a Magazine rack.

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His Mum was furious.

My Wife was helping me put up some Fence Rails. I gave her the Hammer and held the Nail and said “When I nod my head, hit it." I don't remember anything after that.

My Wife just sent me a sweet text that read “If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you” I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise”

Accidentally wore a green T-shirt in Asda. Long story short I'm now covering Sandra's shift next Sunday.

I put Vodka in the Lawnmower because Petrol was too expensive. Now the grass is half-cut