When i was 10 i was playing club penguin at the library and i joined a random igloo. There were two penguins in there and they were like “this is private get out” and i was like “okay sry lol” but what if they were like CIA and KGB guys discussing stuff so their emails don’t leak

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test Me: C Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

They should finish the Alec Baldwin movie but after the scene where the incident happened he should have a banana gun the rest of the movie

every two years tiger woods either wins a golf thing or crashes his car and dies

my dad ❤️

Parking in New York blows. You’ll think you finally found a good spot and there will be a paper sign stapled to a tree like “no parking. Jimmy Buffett is filming ninja turtles 8 on this block tomorrow”

Had a whopper last night and woke up with a bacterial sinus infection

DEI is getting out of hand

Guys who look like Vince Gilligan love shirts promoting atheism

Without Minnesota Somalians I wouldn’t have an 8U Maplewood soccer tournament trophy fuck you matt Walsh

Got fired from the hospital when I amputated someone’s leg and threw away the body instead of the leg

ME: Can I buy you a drink? HER: I have a boyfriend. ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.