*when Joe Biden dies* MAGA: i told you he was too old

I think shooting for the stars is a pain in the ass Just do your best to try harder than the people that produce phone game commercials

If Walmart left the red states Would those idiots die ?

24 years later and it's still the best robot dance

“Pittsburgh” is Dutch for nobody cares

Well…

Eggs are still pretty expensive I just spent $10 to look up a chicken’s asshole

If you know the person doesn’t get taxed on tips do you 1. Scumbag it up and tip less 2. Tip same 3. Ask the machine at the airport who you’re leaving this tip for since you got your own fucking bag of Sun chips

Free basketball in NYC Which is crazy cause I just spent $21 on nachos and $132 on a tshirt #KnicksPacers #knicksvspacers

There’s gotta be enough stupid people that live in the south that can make iPhones I mean sure all our phones would be made by meth heads. But they’ll pump those fuckers out

You know when you’re eating a big bag of chips on the couch & no longer hungry but also don’t know why you keep eating these chips? Maybe you’re scratching some diff itch you didn’t know you had? It’s useless to keep eating yet here you are? That’s what it’s like being here now

Thinking about getting a Meta account

No vaping in this airplane bathroom but pooping is totally fine

I am declaring this the summer of paella

Lotta people using the word “pivot” these days and I don’t like it

Musk going full Kanye on Trump

Based off the men’s clothing selection Old Navy is trying to get us all beat up

Show me a single clip. You can’t. Because it doesn’t exist.

My wife turns her notifications off at night this means when she’s sleeping she is not taking any calls Tbh , other people sleep at night & dont make phone calls while asleep In fact if you DID get a call in the middle of the night it’s prob an emergency & you’d wanna take it