Fridays in college: let’s grab some beers & get drunk Fridays now: you know what I could go for? a nice candle. I wonder when Marshall’s opens tomorrow

Yesterday I was finishing up therapy and I was like “I should go, I’m already 5 minutes over” and my therapist was like “it’s okay, we can keep talking I’m free all afternoon” & now I’m wondering which one of us needs these sessions the most

When I was 8 I founded a chess club, started a school paper, performed magic for the school talent show, and starred in our class play. You “peaked in high school?” I peaked in Velcro shoes

a client told me Nicki Minaj raps like a podcast on 1.5x speed and nothing has ever made more sense

I ran out of bread so I ate my bologna and Kraft cheese with some saltines...I love sharkcootery

In middle school my crush told me I look like I’m in pain when I smile. I haven’t felt truly happy in a picture ever since :/

Brook Lopez sounds like a shadowy figure in a chair anonymously ratting out the mob

That moment when you realize the call was dropped and now you have to muster up the same energy to retell the same comedic masterpiece you just shouted at your home screen for the past 37 minutes

Sometimes when I can’t fall asleep I remember a night in sixth grade when I was laying in bed and tried putting IcyHot on a pulled hip muscle but when I opened the bottle all the hot stuff ran out between my legs and I stayed up for several hours with 4th degree burns on my balls

when your sibling swears in the family groupchat

Let me put it on Twitter too cause this needs the attention

I don’t get indie music. Ive been listening to Spotify’s Ultimate Indie all day & even tho Phoebe Bridgers is on the cover I’ve yet to hear one of her songs. Every time it changes I think is this her? but instead it’s some band with a name like “Debby Cantaloupe” or “tame impala”

Just had my first grapefruit, all I can say is damn that is an angry fruit. I think my lips just got chapped into next year

Was thinking about lemonade and honestly if we have to use that much sugar to make a fruit palatable maybe we should listen to nature and just not consume it

if she’s got asthma just focus on yourself bro

If she can’t remember her natural hair color just focus on yourself bro