My wife thinks I'm going to the gym to impress the other gym bros that a guy my age still goes to the gym, when infact it's because I heard a child say to her Mum 'he looks like Daddy' and the Mum replied, 'No, Daddy is thinner.'

Just got engaged but I've been binging Drag Race. Every time someone says 'congratulations' I think they've said 'condragulations' wrong

As a DJ please be aware that getting the good-looking girls to dance is my one aim because once they do, everyone else does. So when you request some Oasis track early in the night, it isn't getting played mate.

As a dentist, I want to reassure you that you will not be judged or berated for going to see your dentist due to problems caused by you not taking care of your teeth properly. We secretly love people who don't take care of their teeth. They keep us in business.

Every morning before work I'd go to Starbucks. They ask your name and write it on the cup, but only announce the kind of coffee when it was ready. I'd be half asleep and grab the first cappuccino. Did this for months until someone at work asked why I had Vicky's coffee.

I tuck my shirt into my jeans to watch Seinfeld.

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I often enjoy a bit of harmless flirting with staff when I go to the dentist. I took things too far last time: one receptionist is his son and, after a root canal, I said 'your dad just spent an hour in my mouth, when's your turn?'. Actually made myself feel sick with shame.

Always wondered if I'd made the right decision breaking up with an ex. Their Facebook update from today said 'should of' instead of 'should have' and I knew I'd definitely made the right decision.

We recently had our bathroom redone, but I HATE the new toilet, every time I have a dump there are thick impact marks on the porcelain, we have gone through 3 toilet brushes already. I hate having shits at home, I now go to the office everyday just to poo. Weekends are difficult

Neighbour keeps bringing me slices of cakes they've made because they like baking but don't want to eat a whole cake. I say I eat them but I don't because I don't trust other peoples hygiene. Been going on 5 years now about once a week and I can't admit that I lob them in the bin

After a bit of experimenting, one day I managed to carefully get my whole fist into my arse. Then I has to lay there very uncomfortably for nearly 3 hours for my wife to get home from work to help me get my stuck & wedged hand out again.

Next Fesshole Live gig is Durham - also got Birmingham and Brighton available. Northampton reviewed well if you've wavering on 'is it any good?' sites.google.com/view/fesshole

After a heavy night out on the lash, came home to see my girlfriend in bed with someone else but I was that sauced I didn't even recognise what was going on and got in bed next to her/them and went to sleep, she confessed few weeks later and it was the funniest split up ever

Partner's Dad refers to his neighbour as 'Elton'. Always thought it was an odd name for a 70 year old woman. Walked past her a few weeks back and said 'Morning Elton'. As you guessed her name is Janet, he just thinks she looks like Elton John. Can't look her in the eyes now.

When my husband makes a curry, and he can't be bothered with Naan Bread, he uses bog standard sliced white bread instead. I've told him it's weird, but he doesn't listen. I'm thinking of divorcing him as it really bothers me.

Just cut my dad's hair using the trimmer I used yesterday on my balls. I now know exactly how long my pubes are by looking at his head.

In my early 20s I insisted that shampoo, shower gel and washing up liquid were all the same thing and I would wash my body, hair and dishes with the same bottle of Fairy Liquid to prove the point.

Seven year old daughter just annoyed me so I just signed her birthday card 'Regards'. She needs to learn.

In my early twenties I worked on the fish counter at Sainsbury's. I used to fillet the whole salmon and price it up as Coley, the cheapest fish, and give it to my pot dealer to buy at about 10% of the actual price. Sainsbury's kept me in free drugs for several years.