My dog thinks I’m lying to him. 8:45pm, we can’t go for a walk because it’s still 32 degrees. 8:55pm, we can’t go for a walk because it’s raining.

My life is now in turmoil thanks to Sainsburys and the person who invented quadruple strength squash

We created a culture where having a baby was fundamentally unaffordable and detrimental to women’s careers and now we can’t work out how to make them have babies!!

Omg

When you cut all your nails off and suddenly you’re King Charles (sovereign not dog) #sausagefingers

You know it’s bad when the Americans at work are sending you memes about English politics

Probs quicker and less annoying to get an update from all those who aren’t going to glasto

Would anyone buy my cook book, “Pregnant Lady Crack”?

Every time I open a bar of Tony’s Chocolonely, I feel like Charlie pre chocolate factory

We don’t give a fuck what you think you crinkly old man

It’s not ‘twixmas’ or ‘betwixmas’, it’s the festive gooch

Do you add things to your joint Amazon basket just for the reaction or are you in an adult relationship?

When someone annoys me, I archive them on WhatsApp. I will still go in there to reply to messages but I like that they’re in jail and they don’t even know it

The only thing I’m manifesting in 2023 is a dedicated line of air fryer food from M&S

Erm why is the government spending our tax dollars on sex surveys no one asked for??

Can't wait to get sued for having a pet aisle

How Thames Water 💧 can you turn off a streets water “for a few hours” without any notice?? Surely you have emails and phone numbers for everyone that’ll be affected. I have a newborn which requires running water around the clock, this is totally irresponsible of you!

How has this not caught on yet?