I’ve just parked at the hospital, and seen someone get out of a car dressed as a shepherd. Then I noticed a wizard. Finally I clocked a Bojutsu martial artist. I think I’m in the staff car park. #LunchPun

So - she wrote fake notes in English on the water bottle in order that Hampton would recognise them when she saw them and throw them away while all the time having the real notes in Spanish concealed somewhere else? This is 4d chess level stuff.

- I love US sit coms. I have watched every episode of The Big Bang Theory, Two and a Half Men, Frasier and Modern Family. - Friends? - As long as you like US sit coms too. - Cheers! #LunchPun

TD-B looks worryingly off the pace. Andrews not great either. But…Irankunda & Baah is going to be great fun & Kyprianou will quickly become a fans favourite if he continues as he’s started. 1st half very concerning. 2nd half much better. Play like that & we’ll be ok. #WatfordFC

- My cowboy friend has just invested a significant amount of money in a German automobile company. - Audi partner? - That’s how HE always greets me too! #LunchPun

I locked my wife in a walk-in freezer for an hour. Even though it was an accident, I thought she’d be really mad with me, but she was really cool about it. #LunchPun

This young lady who signed for Kilmarnock yesterday should be celebrated just like all the other footballers signing contracts with new teams this summer. In the spirit of which… I bet her Dad Imalittleteapotshortand is absolutely buzzing! #skyestout #HerGameToo

80’s synth pop act The Human League are moving with the times in a bid to entice a new younger audience. From now on they’ll be known as The Human Premiership. #LunchPun

What apparatus could I use to help me breathe underwater when I go diving? I haven’t got a scoobie? #LunchPun

There’s a new documentary I want to watch about how automobile manufacturers have gradually been making their vehicles look less and less sporty. If you’ve already seen it - no spoilers. #LunchPun

Whenever I eat satsumas, tangerines or clementines I feel the urge to lie, cheat and steal. That’s my villain oranging story. #LunchPun

Is it really a crop top if it’s not made of cotton? #LunchPun

I’ve finally managed to win the world candle extinguishing championship. Absolutely delighted. #LunchPun

People don’t mention the admin involved in #parenting -Data checks, photo & medical consents, club registrations, apps for sport clubs/activity groups & money management, WhatsApp & Facebook groups, emailed newsletters, online ordering systems, etc. We need a word for it. Kidmin?

Just as well we dropped that all-time hall of shame performance in the first half against Norwich. If we’d won, we’d have been forced to slap Southampton twice in a week at The Vic before embarrassing Liverpool at their gaff in the 3rd round. #WatfordFC

Welcome to the final of the World Furniture Removal Championship. Please take your seats quickly. #LunchPun

I just did half a sneeze. The Ah without the Tchoo. Now I’m wondering if the other half is still to come at some point? What a wild life I truly live!

Wait til they find out about just going to a doctor or hospital when you’re sick, not being asked for insurance details or credit card information, getting treated and then not getting a bill.

Fair enough. Somebody has to be back up to Jeremy Ngakia I suppose. #Watfordfc

- If you insult me like that again I’ll hit you until you’ve a bruise in the shape of Jarvis Cocker! - You what? - I’ll beat you to a Pulp. #LunchPun