Imagine you came out of a 3-year coma, and this was the first tweet you saw. x.com/realdonaldtrum…

Not eating all day so that u can get drunk off 2 beers. Its called financial health look it up idiot

When i say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth

i hate when I’m 20 minutes into cardio and i look down and the timers on 48 seconds

Me picking up extra days vs me actually working them

In this world you either crank that soulja boy or it cranks you

seriously tho don't let anybody tell u ur ugly. u are sick as fuck just the way u are. and that's fucking awesome

In #PineappleExpress, me and my co-writer Evan had to roll all the cross joints needed to film (about 100) ourselves because nobody else on the crew could roll them properly.

Shoutout to the people giving out full sized chocolate bars. You’re making dreams come true.

As soon as you think “I’ll just wake up early and do it tomorrow” you’ve already lost

Y’all kill me on Instagram with that “new post” shit on y’all stories and you cover your face with an emoji like imma rush to yo page to see it.

There is nothing more tragic than young lives being taken too early. Friday was one of the most devastating days in hockey with the Humboldt Broncos bus crash & the passing of Jonathan Pitre. Teenagers who all deserved to live full lives, but will never get the chance.

My 5yr old says "I hope the Captain didn't die." I reluctantly say, "unfortunately he did, buddy." Locklin says, "maybe Heaven needs a Captain?" Fighting back tears I say "You're absolutely right, pal...you're absolutely right." #HumboldtBroncos

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it. ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged. DOCTOR: ... ME: Get my money’s worth.

Like a kidnapper not gone see her ass doing the Tour de France in the backseat x.com/horrorplaces/s…

the cousin that doesn’t show up anymore x.com/mmasechabat/st…

I was driving with my mum and I pointed a Ferrari worth around £300,000 and she laughed at it. When I asked why she goes that person spent all that money to end up in the same traffic as you 😂😂😂 I didn’t have a reply 🤦🏾‍♂️