Dearest Gen Zeebees: I gave it my best effort. (2 whole trips to Target) But I’m gonna have to stick with skinny jeans. Frumpy Mom Jeans might look good on the youngins. They do not, however, look good on frumpy moms. #SkinnyJeans #ValiantEffort

Dearest Target. I love you. Adore you. And you confuse the hell out of me... #Why #JustWhy

Here’s a tip for men worried they might be accused of sexual harassment because “who knows what the rules are anymore?!” *If you wouldn’t say it to your mother or daughter... don’t say it to women you work with or are in a position of power over.* #Cuomo #YouKnewBetterSir

Have a new response to add to my arsenal for when someone calls me “liberal” like it’s a bad word. “Thanks for the reminder! I need to pay my antifa dues!”

Every time I see a friend get their vaccine I get excited about being able to give long, awkward hugs! Get ready to be really uncomfortable, friends. #GetVaccinated #gethugs #makeitweird

“Oh, Mom. You’re just a disaster.” Y’all. My kid GETS me. #HotMessExpress #IFeelSeen

Yeah your Friday night might be lit... but is it “I got to organize my meds and vitamins in a new pill box” lit? #livingmybestlife #dontbejealous

Me: I’m the best Mom. I bought shamrock socks and gold coin chocolates for the kiddos weeks before St. Patty’s Day. Me today: Where in the ever-loving hell did I put the stupid shamrock socks and gold coins?! #IAmADisaster

Nope. What we are NOT gonna do is say the man “had a bad day”. Instead we are goin to call it what it is: A DOMESTIC TERRORIST murdered 8 innocent people because he’s a racist, sexist, entitled piece of human GARBAGE. #endasianhate #terrorism #BadDay #nope

Dear Floridians: If you tight-rolled your jeans in middle or high-school... you are now eligible for the vaccine! #vaccine #communityimmunuty #GetVaccinated

Some of y’all are laughing at Biden for being tripped up on stairs... like you didn’t almost face plant this morning while putting on your pants.

Hey, Akilah Hughes... counting any swarm of bees accurately is still more probable than accurately counting a swarm of Trump supporters at a rally. Also, far less dangerous. 😉

My friend just told me her son called lasagna “spaghetti cake” and I just wanna know why we even let adults name things.

Feeling inspired to do a lesson today on the meaning of “Freedom of Speech”, followed by one on how actions (and yes even words) have consequences. To be clear... this would be a REVIEW, since my NINE year old already grasps these concepts in full.

What. The. Actual. Marty. Mcfly. Fuck, Jon Lovett. I am 46 years old and my mind is blown. How have I missed this?? I am questioning all the things I thought I knew. #vaxtothefuture #backtothefuture #reeling #needtherapy

“We aren’t trying to get votes… we are trying to get shots in arms.” And that is why I adore Pod Save America … Keeping me sane twice a week. #HotTake #SkyIsGreen #GrassIsBlue

So, let me get this straight. We have a storm named Fred headed for us… and Friday is the 13th? Mother Nature is just trolling us at this point. #FridayThe13th #HurricaneSeason #Fred

Wait a minute. A few weeks ago you were 1 of only 16 members of Congress who voted against my bill to expand and speed up the visa program to evacuate and save our Afghan partners.

Banning them won’t stop people from getting them… it will just punish law abiding citizens who need them to protect themselves from getting them. Agreed. Banning abortions doesn’t work. #GunControlNow #AbortionIsHealthcare

I blame you, Jon Lovett #TacoBell #mexicanpizza #LovettAndLeaveSomeForSomeoneElse