Your distant ancestors escaped it once. Now it wants you back... #Primordial Ooze. This summer you can't escape your past Only in theaters. #vss365

The biggest question for science was "Is this new place we discovered primeval or #primordial"? It didn't really matter since the jungle consumed them all and strange creatures gnawed on their skulls. #vss365

#DailyBaphirmation

"At what point does having a good vocabulary tip over into being a pretentious asshole?" "When you start using words like #susurrus on a regular basis." #vss365

#Susurrus won't cut it. You can't whisper your truth. You have to shriek it out and let the world know a badass has entered the chat. #vss365

You did that all on your own, slugger.

Fun fact: The man who invented the Ferris wheel and the man who invented the merry-go-round never met each other. They traveled in different circles. #Dadjokes #notsorry

"Welcome to the Dark #Realm of Absolute Power, the Alpha and the Omega, the Damned Palace of Control. What seek ye?" "Um, I've got a question about our benefits package." "Prepare your soul, wanderer. Human Resources is the 3rd office on the left. Good luck, puny human." #vss365

"I don't think a mansion and an estate is gonna cut it. I really need a #realm if I'm going to show people how rich and powerful I am. Maybe a rocket ship or two. Definitely gonna need my own personal propaganda network." #vss365

Once more for the people in the back: RUSSIA INVADED UKRAINE!

Silence is assent.

Imagine our disappointment to discover the strange energy #vortex that appeared out of nowhere was just a portal to Hoboken. Even the magic in 2025 sucked. #vss365

#Vortex is the name of my Night Ranger cover band. #vss365

Oh, lordy. I'm this old.

Fun fact: "28 Days Later" was a sequel to the 2000 movie "28 Days" starring Sandra Bullock. #movietrivia

If science wants to do something for the common man, it'll figure out a way to keep passengers from commenting on my lack of #parallel parking skills. #vss365

"We're all aware of #parallel universes but this is something previously unknown to science. Ladies and gentlemen, this invasion is coming from...a perpendicular universe." *gasps* #vss365

Holy shit. This is completely bonkers, even for his addled brain.