Apparently a “Rorschach test” is just a bunch of drawings of me being molested

Cardi B sounds like Tommy Pickles

The back row at the movie theater is often known as Pervert's Alley

I’m actually glad my mind has been poisoned forever and nothing feels good anymore. It’s chill

who up being slowly swept into a tragic farce

The success of the Barenaked Ladies is one of the most embarrassing things society ever allowed

My four year old son yells “WHO GOES THERE” when he hears a noise like he’s Ebenezer Scrooge or some shit

You can actually order the deadly fugu fish off-menu at Chili’s. They don’t even have a cute name for it, it’s just called The Deadly Fugu Fish and it comes with a fun dipping sauce

"homer simpson is a fat buffoon, and what's worse is that he's yellow. anyone whose son is named bart is unbelievably arrogant. like all people who eat donuts, his arrogance is unlimited" - orson welles

We need Talk Tuah now more than ever

Drinking a second gin martini & quietly giggling about how bad this alarm is gonna hurt tomorrow

Nothing more embarrassing than someone breaking into your house to kill you and you’re standing over the sink eating.

Missing George W Bush is making me feel insane

smoking that shit that makes the fridge light feel cinematic

I have built a life out of eye contact and polite smiles

Woke up alive again, so today’s ruined

Flaming hot cheeto pickle ranch bathbomb

[halfway through writing a tweet] No.. no, this isn't me

Shaving my head & listening to Helmet, causing great concern to those around me

The Curse, which i famously have