I never was a fan of algebra. Too many variables.

Would it be in poor taste to name a melanoma "Melanie"? Asking for my friend Melanie.

If I had a billion dollars I would occasionally buy a million* dollars' worth of lottery tickets, not in the hopes of winning, but just to see lottery billboards bump up a million at a time. (*0.1% of 1 billion)

Yeah, cherry tomatoes are fine and all, but I think humanity deserves tomato cherries.

If June is for dads & grads, shouldn’t May be for moms & proms?

If, by "bright-eyed" you mean "eyes wide open, darting left and right," and by "bushy-tailed" you mean "hairs standing on end," then yes, yes I am full of anxiety.

"POOL PARTY HELD ON PRIVATE PROPERTY – ALL PUBLIC INVITED – CLOTHING OPTIONAL WIDE VARIETY OF FREE FOOD AND ALCOHOL BEVERAGES AVAILABLE THIS IS A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT TO BENEFIT HUMANITY YOU WILL BE UNDER SURVEILLANCE PLEASE ACT AND ENJOY YOURSELVES AS YOU NORMALLY WOULD"

OK tell me if I’m way out of line. The autism community should have claimed the rainbow flag as its symbol before the LGBTQIA+ community, and I can sum it up in one word: Spectrum.

I’ll garnish a bloody mary… …WITH MINIATURE BLOODY MARYS try and stop me

So maybe Pizza Hut’s Stuffed Crust pizza slices are limp and soggy. Know what to do? Roll it up like a pennant flag and deep throat that badboy. You know you want to.

I was born in the '70s. I haven't been carded in a while. I haven't been called "old" yet, but… I also don't hang around many younger people.

Psst… hey Elon… my Mac Twitter app is still called Twitter 🖕

It's not that I can't survive without coffee, it just the people with whom I come into contact won't.

Who else never realized that the ⭕️, ❌, 🔺 & 🟥 buttons on a Playstation controller are numbers one to four because that's how many strokes it takes to draw them?

I figured it out. The answer is the chicken. Why? Because you never say "the egg or the chicken." It comes first in the dictionary and in the question.

It's International Women's Day. Women in all other nations of the world, rejoice and celebrate. But all you domestic bitches can fuck right off.

I'm really hoping my dying words are something cool or inspiring like "freedom" or "I see God" and not "heh that's funny, it almost looks like the road ends right here"

So now he's beaten TWO women?

Spoiler: The real goal in life is to have as many people as possible cry at your memorial service when you die.

Why are they called butt plugs and not assifiers?