“ You know, Spike, my people have a phrase for this exact kind of scenario. ” 𝙄 clear my throat and take a deep breath ... then stick out my tongue at him. “ Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! ”

“ Oh 𝘀𝗵𝗶𝘁! ” 𝙄 scream and dive backward from his grasping hand, tucking my tongue safely back in my mouth. “ BUFFY! Buffy, help!!! Put him down! You have the shot — TAKE THE SHOT! ”

“ Hello?! I kind of need my tongue. All of my best talents are linked to this thing. Help?! ”

𝙒hoops! Bail out, bail out! “ Uh... I meant fragile and breakable and arthritis riddled in a Pierce Brosnan kind of way? ”

“ I, uh, didn't mean that you were a senior citizen. You're just 𝗼𝗹𝗱𝗲𝗿 than us. Which is, you know, factually true. ”

“ Man, I just hope they find my body somewhere 𝗰𝗼𝗼𝗹. ”

“ Are you still — !? ” 𝙄 glower at the van that she's still cowering in. Not one ounce of Summers bravery in her body, and now I'm gonna die 𝗮𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗲. “ You were supposed to be navigator! I drive, you tell me what maps says. You get out here! ”

“ What's a guy gotta do to get a little attention around here? I can a̶l̶m̶o̶s̶t̶ juggle? ”

“ Oh, so you 𝗰𝗮𝗻 hear me? I was starting to think I'd turned invisible. ” 𝘼lthough, maybe that'd be cool. It would be nice to have a superpower.

“ Who's Bronzin' it, tonight? If I don't get my groove on soon, I think I'm going to forget what fun feels like. ”

“ My skateboard has been permanently banned from the cemetery because apparently it's still disrespectful to practice balancing on a headstone even if it belongs to a vampire. In other news, being British guarantees that you're also no 𝗳𝘂𝗻. ”

“ Single life ain't so bad! You get the whole bed to yourself, you answer to no one, and you save so much time not having to discuss what you want for dinner every freaking night. ”

“ Any demons want to eat me so I don't have to go to work tomorrow? I'll pay you. I've got... ” 𝙌uick count through my wallet. One... two... three... “ Four dollars and a burger King coupon for a free fountain drink. Any size! ”

“ Everyone said Buffy made cookies, but I don't see any. ” This is not the kind of heart shattering disappointment that a man survives. I'm already seeing spots, the world growing dim. “ I've been duped for the last time! ”

𝘾learing my throat and tapping the imaginary mic. Testing... testing... one, two, three... “ QUE SERA SERAAAAAA! WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE -” 𝘼aaaaand handing the invisible microphone to @CrypticKismet. Take it, Buffster!

“ You can turn the music up, but you can't silence me! ”

𝙈adonna is hell. This is a delightfully haunting tune with a bittersweet message about surrender to the unknown. And I'm singing the FUCK out of it, power ballad style.

𝙄'm going to be seriously winded by the end of this performance. Thank God for my teenage Mall Goth phase. This is what Gerard Way trained me for.