When the chicken salad has apples in it

You could’ve had the funny girl. Who made all your friends laugh. But instead you chose the normal broad. Who pays her taxes. And doesn’t fake a speech impediment every time you introduce her to someone. Well. Whatever. Have fun. With your credits and deductions

It ain’t over ‘till the fat lady sings

Father’s Day is for two dozen mediums and baseball on the TV

What even is a Christian Science Reading Room. And do they got yaoi

.Happier Grocery Bitch, you’re done for

Starting to think a part of me died in 2021. Should I post on Instagram today

As I watch adoring fans in Maryland board the Amtrak to this evening’s Mets game, I can’t help but think of how a woman once told me her boyfriend skipped a reading she hosted because he doesn’t “fuck with” the Q. Girl, he doesn’t fuck with the U

The way they’re using “freak offs” as a proper noun in the Diddy trial. Freak Offs

Fun for the whole family

I could so be a mother right now. Just tell my ketamine dealer to block me. Unless he has a drug that will help me remember to move my clothes into the dryer. Then let me get 4. Are they pills? They are? Okay, yeah. I’ll take 5

Terrible man. Amazing song music.apple.com/us/album/real-…

Does the government automatically give you the perpetual hickey when you come out as genderqueer? Or do you have to procure that yourself

Worst part about hearing a Chris Brown song in public is realizing halfway through that you know all the words. Including ad-libs. Every pitch change too. Somehow the choreography. You don’t even watch music videos

Do I really want a boyfriend? Or is my phone charger just really far away

Pynchon galley = 4 bodies