No gym membership because im always running my mouth and jumping to conclusions

Woke up in a new blue potty

Its no coincidence that celibate and celebrate are such similar words

I heard you can lose a lot more weight with ivermectin than you can with ozempic

Just because youre not having a wedding doesnt mean you cant rent the party room at shoneys

Captcha seemed too complicated so i just closed the browser window and thats on setting boundaries

Im breeding a colony of fruit flies so ill never have to eat alone

I arrive 3 hours early, sit at the gate dry shaving my legs while eating pretzel m&ms because im a seasoned air traveler

Aint it cute?

Cant wait until midnight on friday i need to fight in a walmart right now!!

All my wildest dreams are coming true!!! (my last work meeting of the day got canceled)

The presence under the tree

Irresistible bowel syndrome

The tragic thing is The cure to cancer is probably locked inside the mind of a girl whos obsessed w MyFitnessPal

Hes a whack job, but i need a whack career

Schrodinger's pussy

ok so like my thing is like fuck you

Toms dick is harry

Henri Matisse: i’m your fauvist artist’s fauvist artist

Help me, everyone i’ve ever met and will ever meet is dying