When I was twelve a friend used to say “shed a little light on the subject” when he flipped on a light switch and it still hurts.

You cant network your way into having punchlines.

I don’t watch tik toks because it hurts my feelings that eleven year-olds are funnier than me.

I haven’t had a funny thought in eighteen months.

#FREECOMEDYTHURSDAY TheTomBrown Kate Barton Will O'Donnell #STL 11/14/19 on The Hill!

I almost tweeted at Regions Bank because their app sucks. At 6:30 in the morning on a Monday. Most righteous I’ve felt in months.

Good times with Will O'Donnell youtu.be/0V568yYK2qA

If it takes more than one click to unsubscribe from your email, you’re a terrorist.

Man gets caught performing standup comedy by his wife (she didn’t know!) W/Lucia Whalen

It’s the Irish, love. We FEEL things.

I drank one White Claw and had to give up drinking. Too good. I can’t go down that road.

I’m not an asshole. I was just going through a rough four decades.

This chewing gum tastes just like Skoal. They never stop trying to pull you back in.

I didn’t vote last week, but I did once download Yelp just to trash a Qdoba for playing loud music.

Wait, the Adele pic is real?

Every comic needs these four books. Click the link to try and get them for free. kingsumo.com/g/0vv1li/comed…

Me: It’s not possible for me to love Sturgill more than I already do. Sturgill: Hold my mandolin.

When I die, someone should mention that I never told anyone to vote.

Chris Stapleton is the Adele of country music.

It’s not sexual harassment if you say “no Cuomo.”