*me, flirting as a soon to be 32 year old* Hey babe, my blood pressure is 96/65

Me, jokingly to a co-worker who made a trivial mistake: the Force is weak with this one *unbeknownst to me, my co-worker has recently become a Sith Lord* Them: *decapitates me with a lightsaber and mails my severed head to my family using USPS ground economy*

As an expert hiker who recently did a few hikes, I have a couple suggestions: 1. Altitude sickness isn't real. Push on, there will be no consequences apart from your dignity if you stop. 2. Bring a light machine gun to ward off predators/bugs. I carried two.

Kierkegaard before and after interacting with a woman:

Let me know if you need anything for 2 cents or less on steam, I got you

They call it atrial FIBrillation when you fake a heart attack 🤣🤣🤣

Putin’s looking for a career change and is trying to use my account

What James doesn’t know is that my student loans were marked for forgiveness when Jesus Christ died on the cross for them thousands of years ago

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, and my family asking me when I'll be moving back to South Carolina.

Crap, they finally caught me.

My friend still hasn’t texted me back and I’m worried I ruined the relationship. AITA?

My manager said “greatness comes in all shapes and sizes” yesterday while trying to compliment me and I’m pretty sure they were calling me fat

6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9? Well that’s certainly odd behavior. I guess they did it because they couldn’t get even 😢

Turned 34 yesterday, in need of a midlife crisis. I'm contemplating launching a podcast that's 3 minutes of content/57 minutes of ads, and the 3 minutes are just me doing Tim Allen grunts. LMK if you have a better suggestion

Flashback Friday to when I sent this to my first supervisor, lmk if you need bars

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