The DJ in this Home Depot sucks.

6: Why do I have to go to bed at the normal time if there's no school tomorrow? Me: That's a really great question. Good night.

You deserve better. Don't: - reconnect with toxic people because you're lonely - neglect self care - ignore your mental health - let people be mean to you because you're kind

mmm, fall flavors…pumpkin, cinnamon, leaf, mitten, darkness

When someone tells me it’s weird to put potato chips on a sandwich.

The #Art of #PT 🚪🎨 "Disturbing" HIDEO_KOJIMA 小島秀夫 Guillermo del Toro norman reedus #SilentHills

I now understand that Hell must smell like my daughter's formula burps.

My 9mo does not poop. She hatches doom nuggets that stink up the house.

Guy who invented popcorn: "I HATE THIS CORN SO MUCH, I'M GOING TO THROW IT ON THIS FIRE AND HOLY SHIT!"

When you have an infant, your glasses are never without smudges.

For once we'd like to get through a day with the 9mo without having to say: "Why do you have a booger on your forehead?!"

Love is basically like you're chaos floating down a serene river toward a waterfall that disappears the second you're about to drop off the edge when they kiss you and you find yourself in outer space until the oxygen runs out and you land on a couch doing crosswords together.

Grab a cup of coffee and then go out into the world and be amazing today. #positivity #Coffee #quotes #TheMommyGamers

Me: Do you think I could act? Wife: You've never acted before. Me: I act like I'm not losing it. Wife: Not very well.

I understand now, they put straps on my leather jacket specifically for when I'm carrying my toddler and she needs something to chew on.

5-year-old: *walks in holding the toddler's training potty* She peed! She peed! Me: It's empty. 5: Well, it was full. Oh, God.

7-year-old: *throws up* No school! Best day ever! Me: It's a snow day. There's no school anyway. 7: I hate my life.

Me: Want to run some errands with me? 5-year-old: Grown-up things are annoying. Me: You have no idea.

My 10 month old turned on her tablet, swiped it to unlock and selected her game of the many apps on there. Wtf just happened.

3-year-old: *slaps me with a plastic monkey* Me: Ow! What was that for? 3: Monkey kisses. Me: Aw. 3: *slaps me again*