I will name my first born son Gus, short for Gustard

I would watch a movie about paint drying if this guy was in it

If your wedding doesn’t have one of those black and white photo booths that makes me look 10 years younger throw my invite in the trash

“No one is busier than a man who’s not interested” is actually about me trying to get my super to fix something

“In my brat era” girl you’re 31

Sorry I’m not that good at comedy I’m just not mentally ill

When someone is obsessed with me after a first date: Ok…weird When someone isn’t obsessed with me agree a first date: Ok weird??

When I see another girl wearing light jeans and a black crop top at the same time as me, that is an invitation to fight

I’m sorry for the things I posted when I was horny

Any success I’ve ever had has been out of spite 🫶

Just socialized with people for 4 straight days. Need a lobotomy

I see we have the same taste in music, do you wanna fuck about it?

I be crying in the Uber and the driver starts playing Adele

I know an emotionally unavailable newly single man in his late 20’s hate to see me coming

Ok so everyone was at a wedding this weekend?

Life going so well I unblocked my ex

I love the Charmin bear. He’s just a dad wiping his ass in front of his kids

Society if ghosting was illegal

[worst I’ve ever felt in my life] I’m doing great, how are you?

I wish I could play my friend’s voice note at 1.5x speed