It's been a VERY long time since the last "tweet" but here goes: Never eat anything bigger than your feet. You will quickly lose an enormous amount of weight Thanks See you soon.

What most people do not know is that the Oscar nominees this year have a close affinity with cheese. More on that soon...

Spencer Johnson once said:" "The quicker you let go of old cheese, the sooner you find new cheese." And so it is with the Oscars.

There are lots of folks who live by the moments the media dishes out like watery soup. Man, you're missing out!

I started writing in the late 1800's. We didn't have unions. We had gangs. I was in the Writer's Gang of Five Points, NYC. Whenever there was trouble we went after it with guns and knives. That's the way it was back in the day...

True story: Years ago I went down to D.C. to chat with Teamsters chief Jimmy Hoffa about a project. He liked declined to get involved, but gave me a Teamsters coffee mug, real nice with a navy blue glaze and embossed lettering. I'm thinking of filling it with pencils.

Correction: it was Jimmy Hoffa JR I met with so the Teamsters mug he gave me was less valuable than a Jimmy Hoffa SR mug. Often the reverse is true. A mug or coaster from Paul McCartney's dad would be virtually worthless compared to a mug from Beatles Paul.

I'm thinking of starting my own famous people's china road show. First stop, a garage in Detroit to determine if a dinner plate once belonged to Metallica front man James Hetfield.

We don't do things that way in Detroit Phil, joon, Thief Drop me a line/call

Mr. Trump has just been promoted to "Pinocchio President" He can, officially be referred to as Pinocchio Don or Pinocchio Trump.

In Detroit you can take a selfie while driving

In Detroit you can take an underwater selfie, but you can’t text underwater unless you know someone in the City Council

Pinocchio Trump has agreed to take a lie detector test...

Trump is Asian. He is Kim Jong Un’s uncle. Look closely at pictures of the two of them together. It’s unmistakable.

Here in Detroit we are "sheltering in place" which means we have moved to New Jersey.

We are trying to eat twinkies, but we have to remain six feet from them. Any suggestions?

An old proverb says: "When it stops raining, don't paint your snails right away" (something like that...its a tricky translation)

What's the most polite term for your butt? We say it's "fanny." What do you say?

We’re getting a flood of calls saying that “backside” is the most polite term for your butt, not “fanny” Please vote now

An international survey says “fanny” and “backside” may be the most popular polite alternatives to “butt” However, new data suggests the term “Trump” should be used instead of “butt”