No one ever discusses West Rutherford, New Jersey. #ARGCAN

It’s all kicking off in Buenos Aires! #ARGCAN

Hear us out… CORNMEBOL

This match is fixed. Yeah we said it. Global cartography syndicates won’t allow Canada to get near the South American title. The impact on continental maps would be too revolutionary. CONMEBOL is in the pocket of Big Atlas. #ARGCAN

Every time Argentina gets a call, an angel gets their wings. And by angel, we mean Diego Maradona. And by wings, we mean a line of blow. #ARGCAN

BREAKING: Newly confident Canada only hangs out with CONMEBOL teams at New York hotspot. Overheard making snarky comments about CONCACAF with sexy new South American friends from behind velvet rope. #CopaAmerica

BREAKING: Tensions erupt as the traditional oranges at halftime cause misguided biting in the Dutch locker room. #NEDENG

Alternate angle of Ismaël Koné’s equalizer. #CANURU

UPDATE: Canada confirms place as fourth best Latin American nation. Possibly in history. ¿Dónde está el más cercano de Tim Horton? #CANURU #LosHosers #TheHemispheresHat #HolaWithAnEh

Due to hard Brexit policies, the England team is not permitted to watch the closing ceremonies but are instead being treated to a mini-ceremony in their dressing room featuring Take That tribute band “Took This” accompanied by the Nigel Farage Dancers. #EURO2024

The Spanish National Anthem - we are truly lost for words. #EURO2024

Early advantage for England in that this final is being held on the continent. If this match had been played at Wembley, Spanish head coach Luis De La Fuente would be called Lou From The Source which is completely off-putting. #ESPENG #EURO2024

Fun fact about #EURO2024 that many may have missed… Canada actually finished in third.

Ten minutes in and this match has all the allure of a paella made with baked beans. #ESPENG #EURO2024

Fair to say England thought this match would go like the Battle of the Barbary Coast during the 16th Century Anglo-Spanish War. Feels way more like the Battle of Flores during the Brittany Campaign though amirite?! Lolz 😂 #EURO2024 #burn #AdmiralSirRichardGrenville #banter

It’s coming la casa. #ESPENG

England’s choice of halftime Ovaltine and digestive biscuits perhaps wasn’t the best choice. #ESPENG

“I’m coming home.” #EURO2024

BREAKING: Canada Soccer has further apologized to Team New Zealand and as an act of good faith, offered them free use of Canada’s premium Olympic training pitch. #LeOlympics

Oh gee, see? NOICE!