Everybody in L.A. is younger than me now so I think they’re going to kick me out soon.

I haven’t taken my AirPods out since March 2020.

Oh no. Here come the weather screenshots.

If you at all think we are living some fast, glamorous life out here in Hollywood - just know I am spending my time reading articles like "The 8 Best Arthritis Gloves of 2022."

Nobody over 6 feet tall works at any coffee shop because I run face first into the outdoor umbrellas at every one.

Degree of difficulty: Passing someone on an L.A. sidewalk > Winning Olympic Gold Medal

Today at a coffee shop the barista yelled out that my order was "Booooring." and I've never respected a man so much in my life.

Spending my Labor Day talking to a street food vendor and comparing how many times we cried watching “Street Food: USA.” I’m currently leading 3-2.

#CobraKai has 386 storylines every episode and I’m here for ALL of them. 👏🏻

BONDS haters are quite JUDGE-mental, especially since he also passed AARON. #AaronJudge #wordplay

The only way to actually see your friends in L.A. is to cast them in your "content."

I know my place in the dating world. I am Nordstrom Rack. But during December in L.A. - a lot of model dudes leave town and for one month - I am Nordstrom. But the clearance section. Somebody will buy me but return me in January - and then I will be sent back to Nordstrom Rack.

In Los Angeles "deferred pay" means you "might" get that money if you run into that employer in the afterlife.

If I ever become an old man who goes to malls just to sit in massage chairs, you have permission to end me.

Starbucks barista wished me Happy Father’s Day. Helluva way to find out. Can we just bring back Maury?

I'm glad this barista has mixologist ambition but I'm going to need him to stop asking people if they want their coffee "on the rocks."

Sometimes I wonder if the people in my high school class underachieved because we literally had a song that told us to chill from 93 til infinity

The only thing that could make me feel better about the Super Bowl is buying that shirt Usher had with the painted on abs

I have no idea what my friends have been up to the last 20 years because they still email my AOL address from 2004

Water Weenies are so overlooked in American History. They were IT in their prime.