My dog groomer started sending out promotional texts. They text me almost every day. Dude, I take my dog to get groomed like once every three months. I don’t really need hear from you guys that often

LinkedIn loves to say “you may know these 20,000 people who have gone to your university at any point in the last 50 years”

Nope you fucked up, go back and start begging my friend

Really tired of seeing biopics where the actors are significantly more attractive than their subjects…. Literal uglywashing

yeah the 6 piece combo president #fatass 😂🤦‍♂️

Making your resume one page is harder than being a cop

Tell em Joe Flacco still doin it

When I see 🅱️ it still makes me laugh

Fumbled a woman who asked “So how many points is a field goal???” Might just give up

Hot pockets are the perfect meal for when you’ve completely given up

It’s really hard to say Justin Fields is “bad” when he’s had the misfortune of playing for the most dogshit teams of all time.

I’d send him a like on hinge but not write anything

If I’m being totally honest this movie sucks

Not to victim blame but half the posts on r/relationships are “my boyfriend has been cheating on me with prostitutes for two years. Should I stay with him?”

Decision Desk HQ projects Zohran Mamdani to win the New York City Mayor election. #DecisionMade: 9:03 pm ET Follow live results on our website.

You’re about to experience nuclear grade gaslighting

How it feels muting the Instagram stories of someone I genuinely like

I’m good at budgeting so here’s some advice. Every month I budget a simple $25 for the “dummy tax.” The dummy tax is the price you pay for being dumb. A subscription you forgot to cancel. Calling an Uber to the wrong address. Budget for a dummy tax so it doesn’t fuck you over

It’s gotten to the point where I enjoy dogshit writing because I know it’s not AI.