Theoretical question, if...uhh, Straw-Barry and Honey-Cruller (pictured here) were murdered and there was a 25 MILLION DOLLAR reward and you knew something, you'd say something, right? Unless you were super-wealthy already, I guess.

TruthS33ker🐭 @JustinTrudeauNo Liberal Parody Chrystia Freeland / Illiberal Parody MP🎐 Pierre The Hair Poilievre (Parody) Mélanie Très Joly 🇨🇦 Parodycabinet Danielle Smith George Stroumboulopoulos 🐺 Money is tight. Tim Hortons is here to help with discounts tied directly into how recently you've had an MRNA Covid19 booster jab. The more you jab the more you save! Outlets in major cities even have nursing staff on-hand if you want an extra booster for an extra 5% discount.

Tim Hortons is the largest lobbyist in Canada, and 17th in the world. Every coffee you buy helps us broker trade deals, repair tractors, arrange the loan of B-74 long range bombers to Saudi Arabia for use against Yemen, puts textbooks in children's hands and helps end hunger.

Tim Hortons will no longer play Stompin' Tom Connors music in our restaurants. It has been pointed out that he likely would have supported the Freedom Convoy if he'd been alive, so he's being posthumously cancelled. Please enjoy Jenn Arden instead.

Does YOUR "local" coffee place have purple pots for Lesbian Intimacy Month? Tim Hortons is seeking anti-hate legislation in Canadian Parliament requiring all coffee shops to purchase progressively-themed coffee pots. to mark special months. That should end the competition.

If you recognise this Tim Hortons relic, it's probably a good time to get things right with your Creator; further consider estate planning and check Kijiji for cemetery plots.

"Ich bin ein Berliner" Waffen-SS themed jelly-filled donuts selling quickly right now.

Upon learning Canada's first Nazi Parliament was burned to the ground this afternoon, Tim Hortons is proudly switching sides.

Some guys even bring their own ethanol to spray onto their coffee cup lids to defeat Covid-19. Tim Hortons doesn't judge.

Liberal Parody If the #TorontoMapleLeafs win the Stanley Cup, all Tim Hortons outlets across #Canada will serve all menu items free of charge, no limits. Until you wake up.

It's not #shrinkflation - Tim Hortons is just helping you to avoid consuming as many calories.

The Tim Hortons kiosk at 725 5th Avenue, NY will be donating 50% of profits to Our Greatest Ally.

Bad Socialism Takes (FREE PARKING) To support Semitism against boycotts, Tim Hortons is proud to announce new Israeli coffee beans in ALL our coffee. To maintain the flavour, they will still be grown in Panama, but then sold to Israel from whom Tim Hortons will purchase them - the beans will be the exact same.

Palestine Networks Next week, Tim Hortons cookies will all have upside-down smiles to signal our solidarity with victims of genocide.

love. angel. music. benji. In compliance with Bill C-68, Tim Hortons takes #pride in announcing that the minimum hiring wage for transgender employees will be $1 higher than for other employees.

@TrueNorthCentre As #Fredericton refused to use taxes to offset our franchise's 31 necessary Heat Pumps to be purchased from @SusanHolt's company - we have no choice but to sue the city for illegal discrimination for this roadsign. We are demanding 10x the cost of the heat pumps. #nbpoli

Guess what size of Iced Cappuccino she's holding!

The Pleb 🌍 Reporter Elbows Up, Buy Canadian!*

Check out our new range of bagels, starting at only $5.99!*