BREAKING: The United States of America

The earliest Roman tribe was the Italics who were thin, and leaned to the right

I just found out that climate change isn't real, but changing the climate is.

TGIFT (Thank God It's Friday, Tomorrow)

I'm not saying I threw out my back reaching for toilet paper, I'm just saying it's possible. I may have tweaked it a bit.

ME: The only "interest rate" I care about is if that cute girl at the grocery store has any "interest" in me and how she would "rate" my chances LOAN OFFICER: Okay, this isn't a great start

It's not even noon on Halloween, and the malls are already playing All Saints Day music.

Pumpkins are just fat, orange pickles. No replies, please.

POLLSTER: Who are you voting for in the general election? ME: THEY'RE ELECTING GENERALS NOW !??!?

I'm not a US citizen, but as a Canadian, and based on the current exchange rate, I should be entitled to 0.72 of a vote.

Of course, I have a favorite post-transition metal, but what it is is none of your bismuth.

Based on current polling, this is the electoral college map if only grandmas voted:

Come on, Texas! It's not hard to vote Blue by mail. I did it three times, and I'm from Canada.

POLISH GUY: No need to vote. She's got it in the bag. ME: Ignore the Poles!!

Here's what the Electoral College map will look like after global warming kicks in

Inside you there are two wolves. Did you fuck a wolf?

It's my lucky day! #MyXAnniversary

Almost there...

REPORTER: So I heard you're a cancer. TRUMP: Actually, I'm a Gemini. REPORTER: I wasn't talking about astrology.