Probs why I'm single

Does anyone know how long it takes to get the money after I say "Amen"?

It's pretty messed up that you can accidentally make a human being but you can't accidentally make a pizza

I asked this lady if I could feel her hair. She said yes. So I ran my finger across her top lip and that's how the fight started 😒

Once you've learned to be lonely And lonely is the only thing you've known It begins to feel like home It becomes your comfort zone

Pretty sure this was the kangaroo's first time on a trampoline

Playing tourist at Australia Zoo today. How have I never been here before?

Merry Christmas ya'll <3

I quit my job & so happy about it

This is your life You can go anywhere You gotta grab the wheel and own it You gotta put the pedal down And drive it like you stole it

I've been self isolating my whole life

Not gonna lie, I wanted Zombies. This virus sucks

Today marks exactly 5 years that we have been in 2020

It's been a weird day. First I find a hat full of money, then i get chased by some guy with a guitar 😕

I guess Peter Pan was right.....

When the kid making Subway asks me to tell him about myself. "Dude, why you gotta make this awkward? I just want a sandwich" 😳

I feel like Twitter has lost the "social" part of Social Media 😒

When your human says "who's a good boy" and you already know it's you