I could go for a nice rapture this afternoon.

“Give us this day, our daily bread.” What is this, a prayer for ducks?

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean My house is soooooo dirty right now.

Imagine running into a 10 foot toothed chicken 20 million years ago

Having a cat is like having a roommate that doesn't want to hang out and never intends on being friends

Sorry I asked if there was a lemon law that would let you return your baby.

X is kinda like a feral cat community. Whenever some disappear, it quickly fills in with new cats.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

I have nothing in common with people who don’t believe that dogs smile.

Don’t tell me a murder was senseless, TV news. Give me the facts and let me decide for myself.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won't open the door. I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

Her: I want to have sex with you *hours later Me: I think she wanted to have sex with me

I’m learning to speak Italian so I don’t look like a dumbass ordering at Olive Garden.

Revenge isn’t sweet, it’s probably more like sticky.

Apparently, Kohls cash, and MyMcDonalds rewards points aren’t calculated into one’s net worth, which means I’m considerably less affluent than I previously thought.

I've confidently made so many bad decisions, yet somehow I still doubt myself.

Saying hi and being prepared for follow up conversation are two completely different things.

ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.

I can’t imagine how much Pepsi was drank today