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time traveler: i love your volcano pompeiian: our what? time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

Make a movie about the TA who had to teach 90% of Indiana Jones’ classes.

[tinder first date] her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed… fish: yeah this happens a lot

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept. They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

mrs. potts: ok, us not being cursed forever depends entirely on you becoming a not-terrible person beast: yes, totally get it… honestly I will probably wait until someone hot shows up to start working on that

murderer with terrible grammar:

If I was at a dinner party and one of my friends said “one of you will betray me” and then made us guess who, I’d probably mind a little less when they died.

For every guy saying they could win in a fight of 100 men vs a gorilla, you need to factor in if I’m one of the 100, I am not helping you. I will even tell the gorilla of our biology and weak joints if I think he’ll let me leave.

when the boys debate 100 guys vs. 1 gorilla

Cover reveal for my first book "Van Helsing's Guide to Monsters and Dating" I am grinning ear to ear and cannot wait for y'all to meet Jefferson Van Helsing on September 9th. PRE-ORDER NOW!

Just told a gorilla what everyone’s been discussing. He asked how many humans we thought it’d take to BEFRIEND him. When I told him nobody thought to ask that he got super bummed out. Hope you’re proud of yourselves.

I think they should vote for whichever pope can do the best God impression.

So the conclave is just a bunch of dudes hanging out until they decide one of them can probably talk to god? That’s podcasts. You’re describing podcasts.

Hi friends! I'm unemployed & looking to get started in a position asap. I thrive with remote work that involves writing (science/creative), administration, or that's related to the entertainment or STEM industries. I'm happy to provide a resume/cover letter/recs upon request. Thx

not sure why people are so impressed with Tom Cruise I also do all my own stunts, it’s just my stunts are things like “calling about an insurance issue” and “not crying even though I want to”

trying to wink just enough the zookeepers don’t get suspicious but the animals know if they want to rebel I’d help

This bell will NOT quit tolling! Just sent to find out who it’s for, this has to stop.

You’re not gonna fucking believe this.

Hey I can’t make it into work today. Yeah I’m binge watching 56 years of Sesame Street so let’s just play it by ear.

just helped out a beaver because I assumed he was building a dam but it turns out he was making a meth lab