Dear Tequila, I love you, but we had an agreement. You were supposed to make me sexier & a better dancer. I saw the video. We need to talk.

I was amazed when I learned that woman spelled backwards is kitchen.

*Missed a call* *Calls back* *No answer* "What, did you die within 3 seconds?"

I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant" will come back on "32 and a Grandma"

Are you free tomorrow? No, I'm expensive.

Oh your dating my ex already? I thought the 5 second rule only applied for food.

"H3y wUt r yhu dOing?" ... about to throw a dictionary in your face.

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing... Unless you're at a funeral.

Look. Either you can agree with me or you can be wrong.

Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.

That awkward moment when a fat kid says thats how I roll..

I put the "pro" in procrastination.

Twitter: the only place where you get excited when stranger follows you...

Normal Person Flirting: "Hey, babe(: what's goin on?" Me Flirting: "Your face. I like that shit."

COOL STORY BRO. So, what chapter do you shut the hell up on?

Some people were dropped as a baby...but you were obviously thrown at a wall.

There's photoshop, auto tune, & plastic surgery. Too bad there's nothing for your ugly personality.

@prestige331 what does this mean?? Is this a parlay? What does ATL 2, LAC2, HOU1, SAS2 and MIL1 mean? Are these Moneylines? PLEASE CLARIFY

@phillyp3te is this the same as "-1 and -1.5" ? I am seeing this on pinnnacle as -110. "-1" is set at -153. Which one is your play? #Help