When I tilt my head back I look like a guy with a huge forehead, a terrible haircut, and an unfortunate shaped skull. #ThisIsHowIWasteMyTime

The brilliant minds at The American Bystander have a calendar for sale, and it's every bit as great as the cover would lead you to believe. BUY IT NOW. americanbystander.org/store3/bystand…

Excited to move in to a place that my incredible girlfriend and I selected and designed. It's also terrifying, but most worthwhile things are.

Pre-move floor picnic with this beautiful woman. It went so well I'm thinking about asking her to go steady.

I never considered grad school UNTIL NOW. #IUsedToBeMadAtMySchool bbc.com/news/uk-englan…

Since I just got my second Pfizer dose at Costco, I decided to celebrate Costco-style (by eating until I pass out). #meatsweats

When HBOMax was down last night I was staring at their logo and I realized that it's called HBOMax because they own Cinemax. I felt like a smart person! #MareOfEasttown

I bought full-sized candy bars for kids in my building because I want them think, "A cool guy lives there."

When I asked my sister why she doesn't get the flu shot she replied, "I look at it as an opportunity to lose 15 lbs."

The weirdest thing about Al Yankovic is that he's in the OFFICIAL video for George Harrison's My Sweet Lord. My two favorite things together. youtube.com/watch?v=04v-Sd…

Shoveling with a broom in sandals minus a jacket should be rewarded, not made fun of by a girlfriend who is laughing from inside taking photos.

My holiday card for 2021. I get silly. #holidaycards #holidaycard

Cooked #broccoflower and pretty sure this came from another planet. I was hoping there was an alien inside. (there wasn't 😥)

Left my conference and drove two miles to see my amazing sister Dana (at a different conference) talk about branding for Canidae Pet Food 🧡 (life highlight to see her speak)

If I started a Facebook Group called "Guys In Their Mid-40s Who Are Still Naturally Blonde" it would be just me and five dudes from Sweden. #pleaseignorethesunburn

Since I believe I know everything, here's how to fix Twitter. No more anonymity. Yes, this will hurt people who need anonymity. There are no perfect solutions. Like everything else in life.

If the Tampa police chief can't flash a badge to get out a a ticket, I feel like there's no hope for me to talk my way out of one.

My nephew playing the arcade I put together with a name that suggests I'm the band's biggest fan. Truth is I hardly know their music. I just love puns. #ARCADEfire

Shouldn't Barbie be less concerned with toppling the patriarchy and go back to what they do best - showing little girls that the ideal woman has a size -4 waist, double d boobs and perfect blonde hair?