Great news, thanks. I couldn't be more certain that your alternative coverage of the news won't have any bias in it.

If you think things are bad now, wait until they start the reruns of Love Thy Neighbour

I've heard he's entered the witness protection programme

There's a silver lining to every story

Just saw a man walking down Sevenoaks High Street with a banner proclaiming. 'The end of the world is nigh, you don't need to SHOP.' There was a queue of 50 people behind him #coronavirus

Free school meals? We all pay enough to to send our children to school anyway, why are we being charged for lunch too? It's a disgrace!

100 Days Away: International 100 Days Away Day

I still have nightmares about that bloody arched window on #PlaySchool

It’s been hard work, however, today I am 100 days Blinis Free

BREAKING: Sevenoaks WI has announced that sadly the 2020 Arm Wrestling Competition cannot now go ahead on 4th July. Instead, they’re all going to go down the pub and get p***ed. #Covid19UK #lockdownuk

I’m opening a new shop in Sevenoaks. The New Normal. It’s going to be a place where you can buy things you don’t need just because you will feel cool and hip for saying you bought them

Why don’t people go to their private beaches? #lockdownuk

NEWS: Later today, the UK government will appoint its 8 millionth Chief Scientific Adviser. Paddy Power is refusing to take bets on whether it will be a Twitter user. #coronavirusuk #covid19

I’ve realised my mistake in marketing Superior Towers, it’s too highbrow. I need to make it lowbrow so all the stupid people will come here. #lockdownuk #bournemouthbeach

Dear Friends #STOLENKOBE I am pleading to anyone who may have information about my theft to please speak to my mum Danella Scott or even to police. I can't put into words how distraught my family is. The pain I feel is unimaginable without them💔 #SEVENOAKS #kent #TN15 #Caturday

Who would have believed that in the 21st century man would have been able to find a space in Blighs Car Park in Sevenoaks without having to drive round for half an hour #lockdownuk

I guess Shepherd Neame won’t be asking Roger Black to do any PR for them any time soon. #Removeanythingcalledblack

"We've also started spreading chicken manure on the fields to deter people from walking over them. It’s not quite a war but it is very unpleasant." Blimey guv, that's yur chemical weapons init? Where are #TonyBlair and ALASTAIR CAMPBELL when we need them?

No scurrilous rumours of lockdown in Sevenoaks District Council required. We all live far too far apart #lockdownuk

After nearly ten years and 4,000 tweets, it’s time for Superior Sevenoaks to join the hashtags in the sky.   Never forget, Sevenoaks is Infinitely Superior.   Thank you and goodnight. #SuperiorRetirement