My daughter just walked into the room dressed in a princess dress and said “look daddy I’m a pension.”

i like to play this game where i pop a melatonin and then see how much i can get done before it starts to kick in

"I remember when they first invented chocolate."

what is your sign-off on work calls? mine's like "ok. thanks. alright. see ya. bye." and they get increasingly shorter and quicker with each word

thinking about that time I was a kid on vacation in the Ozarks and we went go-kart racing and I thought they were bumper cars and ran every car off the track. saw all the workers jumping up and down and waving their arms.. thought they were cheering. got kicked out.

Full video: Inaugural poet Amanda Gorman

y’all ever just drink hot sauce straight out the bottle just to feel something

Nothing like getting revenge on your employer by depriving yourself of sleep after a long work day. That’ll show them.

My wife literally keeping me alive one year into WFH

Last night at 2am, my 3 year-old woke up crying and yelling for us. I sprinted into her room like "what! what! what happened!" and she wiped her tears and between sobs said, "I.. NEEED...a quesadilla." 💀

So we’re just gonna act like this didn’t happen?

Hoy

this is the type of hard-hitting journalism I like to see

sitting in my kitchen at 11PM doing cebuano tongue twisters on a zoom call for a tv show in the Philippines to promote our new song. Life is wild dude fr

Listen to our new song “PADUNG NA KO” available na sa Pilipinas! ✈️

Watch the lyric video na sa YouTube: youtu.be/Jpyuf4nhv5A

Jesus take the Wordle

My daughter just called gnocchi Dinner boba

the DMV employees when you don’t have all your paperwork: