A good bird dog only sits when he has a bird in his mouth

Parents of lacrosse, hockey and swim kids. How do you survive October crossovers? I just had a pop tart for dinner and the kids had ice cream.

I walked around all day today with cum in my hair and kinda liked it.

Just a not so friendly reminder that you owe no one your time or presence.

"One day you'll thank me" is taking waaayy longer than I expected.

Awareness isn't action.

My kids are on a fitness journey. I would like off now.

I hope the thieves never get caught. Fuck the louve.

6 would like to be fall for halloween and 5 wants to be a thunderstorm. Why can't I have normal children??

At 5k the kids had a fun idea to run another 2k. Please don't serve shitty sandwiches at my funeral.

If you feel emasculated by a strong women you need to first check and see if you are in fact a pussy

Yep, that's what she wants.

When you greet someone familiar do you kiss their cheek or lips?

If Liz can fly all the way to France I can walk in the snow

Some days I wish I wasn’t single and then other days I’m thankful my day isn’t ruined by 8am.

My bestie makes 3k a month ignoring and being rude to men on the internet. My sister in christ. I've been doing it for free.

Just heard a mom in the grocery store tell her husband she doesn't give a fuck what kind of drink boxes he gets, just make one fucking decision Paul. And honestly, all moms are right there with her.

Until 5 minutes ago I didn't know who Chuck Redd was. Well played