ages 18 to 24 are weird. some friends can’t drive, some are still virgins, some are dating, some are getting married, some already have kids, and some still need to ask their parents if they can stay out after 10 pm

Wait it’s #SubstanceAbuseSunday ..

every time you hear portuguese you do like process of elimination for every other romance language until you're like oh you're speaking portuguese

The fuck you mean most people can't hear the little whistling and humming noise most electronics constantly make?

#CelibacySummer #HeNothingOnMyNothing

Having your own apartment by yourself is so funny cause I really just swept the whole place naked

It’s the silly girl’s estimated birthday today!!

I don’t mix alcohol and amphetamines except when I’m drinking

Love having a cat it’s like what if I owned a small predator that I share a social bond with and it smacks its head against me and bites me

They call me omega 3 the way I need a fatty and some acid

Sometimes when I feel myself getting super flustered I say “Calm down, little mama” in an Elvis voice & it kinda helps

Me coming out the bathroom after throwing up and hearing “who wants more shots?”

This is the emotion i convey whenever i type "ouggh..."

“you still have a long life ahead of you”

stopped using exclamation points in work messages so my coworkers know they've killed my spirit

Regime forces have drawn first blood. They lynched an anti-ICE protester in Los Angeles and nobody on Earth is talking about it. She was found hanging in her cell immediately after pleading not guilty in her hearing. She was lynched 2 months ago but we only learned this week.

It's funny how people without pizzas in their hands actually think I'll answer my door.

Kitten is going to tweak