My nephew Imran is missing. Last seen in the Swansea valley area. Please if you recognise him and know where he is or where he might be or if he has been harmed or at risk of being harmed please ring South Wales Police on 999 or 101 . This is really important as he has some

Dear brain, If you could not wake me at 3am on the one morning in a fortnight when I don't need to leave the house early it would be much appreciated. Kind regards (you bastard) etc etc Jim

Hello, I'm a massive racist!

I'm a danger

It seems instructive that he worries more about the biological connection than he is about actually caring for the child concerned

FFS, four down just before lunch

"Australia trail England by 157 at tea on first day of Ashes" might be accurate, but really isn't the best summary of the situation, not that anyone at the BBC cares about conveying reality anymore

"Hello, I'm mental"

Today I have been, after a fashion, bawled out for standing up for a junior colleague who made a mistake. It was silly, but ultimately fairly inconsequential, as no lasting harm was done. Might harm my prospects, but that's nothing new and I don't shit on those less experienced

Postprandial nap on the sofa, wake up to find the dog has been sick on the rug several times. Lovely stuff

Attempted suicide every week for 20+ years? I don't believe you

First Pope in history to hold a baseball bat inside an airplane

Ten years ago? Looks like the 80s mate

It's only twenty past eleven, oh well

Urea dominoes anyone? Or is it a bit early, even on a Saturday?

Imagine if you didn't post misogynistic tripe all the time, perhaps it might not be necessary My opinions on many things are not exactly vanilla, but I get very little in the way of agro. Perhaps if you were less of a cunt all the time, you might be able to hear others?