Just found £2.36 in my laundry basket. The tarot readers of TikTok told me February would be full of abundance

Had an interview with my UC work coach today. His name is Rohan, so when he said “Good morning, Simon”, I responded “A sword day! A red day! ‘ere the sun rises! DEEEEAAAATHHHH!!!” Now classed as unfit for work unless Gondor needs anything

The idea Trump is a genius tactician playing a long, obscure, strategic game of 3D chess via driving people round the twist completely ignores the fact he has given every single bargaining chip away to Russia BEFORE TALKS EVEN BEGAN. He's a fucking dodo.

Very authentic restaurant. When I visited the staff were arguing about the divine nature of Christ, there was an ongoing dispute with the Persian restaurant next door over olive oil supplies, the manager was overthrown and blinded by his wife, and the eunuchs did all the work

Just wolfed down two Jamaican dinners with a side of plantain and gout. It’s the real reason I moved to Brum and now I can’t move at all.

Fucking disgusting from a Labour government

I don’t care what Andy Warhol’s says, I don’t believe that exploding plastic is inevitable

Note to Trump - No Cadaver Synods!

Could a better combination of Facebook reels appear side by side?

Made my periodic visit to KFC for a Bland Poultrycide Bucket for One, fried in 11 secret dusts and atoms, with a pot of boiling Brown Cornflour Mystery to dip it in. Why do I do this?

Sly Stone and Brian Wilson - two musical visionaries gone in the same week. Far ahead of their time and the archetypes of troubled genius

Written a new West End play - WARthog A small farmer boy falls in love with a warthog. Some other stuff happens, then WORLD WAR I

It’s now 40 years since this quite brilliant episode of Yes, Prime Minister was broadcast but somehow it still seems remarkably appropriate after all this time! One of the best comedy series ever and superbly acted.

American GIs in Italy 1943: “These Espressos are real swell, Giuseppe, but hey, you know what would be even better? Water them down and name them after us!

“Alexa find me an example of a football hit with the unforgiving force of a thousand suns.” “Your search returned Cyrille Regis vs Norwich 44 years ago today.” “Outstanding work, Alexa. That will be all.”

“Ted, would you like to pretend to be in a shadow cabinet with me?”

High press and 3 goal beautiful to behold #STFC

Lads, if someone is that intent on drinking sunbed cleaner, then they’ve gone WAY past the point where you can reason with them

Private Eye acknowledges the genius of our political commentariat.

Imagine lumping all of Myanmar, Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, and Vietnam together as ‘Indochina’. That’s like glancing at a map of Europe and going “Fuck it, let’s call it ‘Amerussia’”