Consider the lilies of the field; They toil not, and while you’re doing that, I will be over here going through your stuff.

Scheduling weekly prostate exams just to feel something

Just got a new nightlight

i begin every job resume with ‘i’ve already put both our lives in danger’

Got a great deal on this nightlight at Walmart.

NEW: Washington DC has reportedly gone a full week without a single hom*cide. "Carjackings are down 83%, robberies are down 46%..."

yes but have you tried filming yourself crying in your car about it

eating radioactive shrimp while flaunting my body in steamy vacation photo

Fuck ICE! *sips from Stanley cup

Libs of TikTok

Our HOA is going to select its next president with a dance off. I am going to do the cancan.

Our HOA is selecting its next president with a dance off. I’m thinking the cancan.

You young people are gonna love the Sondra Locke reference I have in development.

Inside you there may be two wolves but more concerning is the badger orbiting your head at a distance of eighteen feet

The fact I'm not in a conservatorship just proves no one's paying attention

When you go to the theater and Nicole Kidman comes on the screen and tells everyone to put their phones down and STFU, you know it’s time for your movie to start.

Give him any fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will blow 50 grand on a bass boat.

“i push my fingers into my ass” or whatever slipknot said

Household tip: If you set your water pic on the highest setting, you can remove the tomato sauce stains from your Tupperware.