You know you're ugly when a boiling kettle won't even give you a fucking whistle bit.ly/1SINEYM

Sometimes things can happen to you and you don't know whether to laugh or to cry.I'm a ginger. And I've disco... bit.ly/20shDtZ

The UK's Chief Medical Officer has said people should think about their risk of cancer before drinking alcohol... bit.ly/1L1dlgR

I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.My thoughts are with his family. bit.ly/1VS7fVV

"Do you think my blow job technique's getting better?' asked my wife."Eh?" I said, looking up from reading my ... bit.ly/1obRsq6

Today someone told me my actions would have grim repercussions. I thought 'aren't they what Death sits on?' bit.ly/1R9CrAH

I've got a Black Pepper grinder.Bit extravagant but he'd only be out mugging if I wasn't employing him. bit.ly/1SQR0sN

I was having a quiet drink at the bar, when this gorgeous oriental bird came up to me and whispered in my ear:... bit.ly/1ofycbs

My wife says I'm spoken for. bit.ly/1VZTVP4

I've heard that the BBC is courting Jordan to be a presenter on Top Gear.But I thought that show dealt with ca... bit.ly/1ohIwQ1

Have you heard that President Assad has been making cheese? He's been getting the Kurds out of the whey. bit.ly/20BYpCg

My recently-divorced ex wife died in a house fire last night. She got the kids, I got the smoke alarms. bit.ly/1PurULP

It's hilarious how quickly a drunken one night stand turns into committed rape, for which you're charged.Once ... bit.ly/1SXGHTI

Liverpool fans have quite rightly protested against the rise in ticket prices.It's asking far too much to expe... bit.ly/20DKNXl

I missed when I threw a punch at my wife's chin.Luckily, I hit the one below it. bit.ly/1PwmBvo

British media 'most right-wing' in Europe, survey finds.DailyMail dismiss report as leftwing nonsense bit.ly/1Lb5cqj

Coldplay AND Bono on the same stage at the same time. You had your chance to gain some serious popularity poi... bit.ly/1W78FvI

This storm should be called Imogen Thomas, as they've both fucked half of Wales. bit.ly/1W84Ia0

The Michigan senate has passed a bill making anal sex punishable with up to 15 years imprisonment. What do the... bit.ly/1RkGB8I

Ah Pancake Day...The day the world fondly remembers and celebrates the time Kate Middleton's tits ended up on ... bit.ly/1Ldx39f