Am I a wizard, or am I a potion addict?

I could eat an ice pack faster than any other kid at school

it’s never “how’s the wife and kids” but always “you’re pushing your luck buddy” and “you’re banned from this establishment”

nothing like the fresh taste of Febreeze in the morning

i’m going to hide under my garden shed until i become the sickest fossil you’ve ever seen

Ever since becoming immortal this existence has become lame and poopy

t minus five hours

Well slap my balls and call me Andy if it ain’t good to see ya ol timer

Being high is saying something asinine and philosophical in game chat the same time you’re getting the double headshot clutch at match point.

Yo soy El Pinche Cabrón

Reincarnating as a duck in an oil spill

Local vampires and doctors are mad I do not have veins. This is their problem and not mine.

My balls reascended back in ‘06. I just found out the hard way.

Let me be the first to say I’m too good for my own good. It can’t handle itself. Too good.