make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

Don’t ever force me into a high five. I’ll complicate it unnecessarily.

Her: I bought a wireless bra today. Him: What's the password?

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

Link sausages, a wheel of Blue Stilton cheese, several pieces of breaded fish and a lolly - British happy meals

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying "steam me up, scotty" a few too many times

He's not a Nice Guy unless he's from the French town of Nice. Otherwise he's just a sparkling fuckboy.

I can't decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

me: [pushing snack cart] hot dogs! nachos! popcorn! funeral director: you again

Don’t be a wimp, get the full life crisis

Why stop at sprinter vans? Let’s make three-story motorcycles

I did it I finished a lip balm didn’t lose it, didn’t leave it this is a very large deal for me please clap 🙏🏻

🎶I’m comin out so you better get some nachos ready

Elon’s website is really nailing it

To hasten epiphanies, I run head-first into white oak trees.

Might bring the ruckus, might make a panini

Fuck this I’m going back into quarantine

ME: *interrupts my own ass kicking at a rap battle* hey fellas, is your beef grass fed lmao [beating intensifies]