Once they call Michigan, Biden is gonna tweet "You're fired" and the global Internet will collectively cum so hard, we won't be able to use email for like 20 minutes

Sanjay Gupta has never put together so many back-to-back spa days. #Election20Covid19

It’s time to start practicing these words. “Madam Vice President”

Oddly, I’m most excited that Karen Pence is being replaced by a Jewish entertainment lawyer.

Let me ask you, is your life better now than it was 4 hours ago?

John Ricks for the Win!

No words. Bravo

An absolutely epic, unrivaled one-month run for this king. Breathtaking. #Rudy

Jeff Epstein should have hung in there, he’d be a free man tonight

Maybe tomorrow Trump pardons COVID?

Maybe this year will be better than the last

Wanna feel old? This is Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros now.

Hey, this place seems different. Brighter. Smells better. Did somebody mop the floor and clean the toilets and take out the trash? #ByeDonny

I obviously can't prove this, but I don't think Trump has had sex a single time since he became president

Girls who glide need guys who make them thump.

That opening ceremony for today’s International Women’s Day was off-the-hook!

Blaming the Oscars’ shitty TV ratings on the “Best Editing” and “Best Documentary Short” categories is like blaming 9/11 on The Wright Brothers. #INeverTweet #ButThisFeltLikeATweet

youtu.be/UPtUUbsheIg?si… Say it ain't so, Joe, please Say it ain't so That's not what I wanna hear, Joe And I got a right to know Say it ain't so, Joe, please Say it ain't so I'm sure they telling us lies, Joe Please tell us it ain't so They told us our hero had played his