Utah truly only searches one thing no matter what the parameter.

Maybe they should make a hundred more Matrix movies? Or a thousand? A million? Is a million too many? A million sounds reasonable right now.

There is no way the makers of Home Alone 2 could have imagined how future audiences would feel when they cut from Kevin on top of the World Trade Center to him running into Tr*mp in the Plaza.

Me: Hello 911? I’d like to report a murder 911: What happened? Me: Someone just got absolutely OWNED on Twitter. 911: You’ve got to stop calling us for this. It’s illegal.

Thanks Ninja Kitchen! Because of your dual zone air fryer my wife and I can finally do something we’ve been trying to do for years!

“Do you think the state of the world has negatively impacted your mental health?” “Sure. But I think I’m doing okay.” “Why are you looking at baby carriages online?” “I might get one for my dog.”

The problem with telling ur therapist you do comedy is sometimes she’ll suggest you “take it to the stage “

If you’ve never worn this you’re not a sketch comedian

(Me Looking at a vest online) My Wife: You’re never going to wear that vest. Me: I’ll wear it when I’m at the stock exchange. Wife: Why? Me: Because that’s where I in-vest.

.Will Jacobs

Some men will forget they’re Peter Pan instead of going to therapy

Finally! My 2016 Lloyd audition result was still “Pending” on their website as of the shutdown so I’m excited to get some closure on that.

Inject it into my fucking veins reddit.com/r/television/c…

Hey GoodPop do you care to explain why you shrank you popsicles?! The people are angry! We deserve full length pops!

Yesterday on Twitter I complained about my favorite popsicles being shrunk and today the company that makes them is sending me a coupon approving once and for all that both this app and this country are perfect and the world is just.

Being full is not the goal of eating. Being full is an obstacle to eating more.

Best supporting actor race is over #DowntonAbbey2 #Moseley #GiveHimTheOscar

I honestly thought this tweet was announcing a new COVID Strain.

This Wednesday we have a very special Murder Mystery Comedy show because it's @lejandroKllny's birthday show! Hopefully everyone will respect that and no murders will occur, only laughs. Soo Ra Sabeen Sadiq Sam Rogal Tomas "Tom" Delgado

Come see the incomparable Griffin Newman Tonight in Your Worst Idea! 9pm. Magnet Theater. Tickets: magnettheater.com/show/tickets/5…