me: do you sell hammers here panera employee: no me: i was just joking i don’t really want that THIS REALLY HAPPENED 😂😂

i just always have to be the guy in the room that knows the most about Sing 2

a captain always goes down on his ship 😩⛴

me to the dave & busters prize exchange attendant: how many tickets for.. your heart?? 😉😇 attendant: you’ve been playing the same skee-ball game for the last 5 hours. you aren’t rolling them hard enough to get them off the ramp. please leave

my date: i know my bio said “looking for someone to go on adventures with” but this is too much * i put on the Crown of Thillium hold the Elder Stone aloft and proclaim myself the once and future king of the elves

my horny ass could not work for strega nona

i’m hearing a lot of mixed messages on what exactly is the sluttiest thing that a man can do

sorry bro, life is just so wonderful while you’re in the world. had to put it down in words. hope you don’t mind bro

if the treats are little enough you can get yourself one every day

my love language is making up an excuse for us to leave the function early

so fucked up that made-up people don’t get older except you can totally just imagine that they do

we need to retire the position of Family Feud host after steve harvey dies

sending someone “happy 9/11” should automatically do the confetti imessage effect

can’t believe i’ve been on twitter for 12 years, and i’m just now learning that if you tap the little heart button under a tweet it “likes” the tweet 😭😭😭

i gotta be looking in the mirror while i’m brushing my teeth or else i get confused and forget where the teeth are

i got a job at that new bakery that can turn any 1024 megabytes of data into a cookie now that’s what i call a sweet gig

renner looks different after the accident

“i know students are upset, but don’t worry we finally sent out a phone call” “good, you remembered to put in the actual information about what’s going on so it’s not just a robot saying nothing, right?” “…. and what’s that now”

banksy has been pretty quiet ever since jimmy carter went into hospice. think about it

if you can’t separate criticism of israel with antisemitism you might be a redneck