[leans in seductively] what's the soup of the night?

Because Morning Woods was taken

[interview with a vampire] me: so are you a vampire? vampire: yes me: you are definitely not hired

if you meet someone who goes by their first, middle and last name there's an 85% chance they're going to assassinate you

the only thing I really know about LL Cool J's mom is that she was pro-violence

This looks exactly like a sign that measles would make

a bañana is a banana you're going to eat tomorrow

for sale: baby shoes, never worn. because the baby died before it could wear them. that's why they are for sale. other baby stuff for sale too.

settle down, oddly muscular old guys

someone do a trojan jet political cartoon ok great my work here is done

it's not even 10 and I'm already way too fricked up on Gary's Hard Milk

the words "history" and "buff" don't belong together, nerd

I wish I loved anything half as much as uber drivers love black ice air fresheners

I fucken knew it

I would tell ya but then I'd have to kiss ya 😉

This heat calls for a Panera murder drink

[stops cutting toenails] leaving?? but we haven't even gotten our entrees yet

in the US it's called meth. in the UK it's meths.

I see London, I see France. I see your crippling insecurities.

For sale: baby. Keeping shoes.